


The Carrying Arms

by pinkwinwin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medical, Blood and Injury, Doctors & Physicians, Enemies to Lovers, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Medical Jargon, Medical Procedures, Mentioned Monsta X Ensemble, Mentioned NCT Ensemble, Minor Character Death, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Patient death, Recreational Drug Use, Side Xiaokun, Smoking, Surgeons, Surgery, side hyunghyuk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 14:53:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19871446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkwinwin/pseuds/pinkwinwin
Summary: Seeing someone for the first time in years is an odd feeling, like word on the tip of your tongue you can’t quite remember. What’s even more odd is seeing someone you idolize, someone you shape your entire career path around, directly in front of you.What’s worse is he looks right at Jaehyun. And then right through him.





	The Carrying Arms

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Prompt #N-306. Please excuse any medical inaccuracies. I had an amazing time writing a world of fueding doctors, so I hope you enjoy some bickering dojae!
> 
> This fic has a playlist! I highly recommend you take a listen as you read, even if it's just on quietly as background noise. I'm very happy to explain what songs fit what scenes if you'd like! (really, please come ask). The link to the playlist is [right here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/76UGvrb2ztgQPZxmT2d25v?si=b2TqxFqgQue2eBvXs3NgNg). Please enjoy!
> 
> Title of the fic comes from a song by The Antlers with the same name
> 
> #

Cabs rarely stop for anyone in this part of the city, and Jaehyun is no exception. He holds his hand out with his coat in his other, hair a mess in the wind. It's still early, the morning barely breaking against the sky as the clouds cover most of its arrival. The cab blares by, splashing water from a puddle out into the street and painting it a shade darker. Jaehyun sighs, shoving his arms into his coat and tugging it onto his person. It will properly be morning soon, the streets bustling with life and bodies jostling past each other on the sidewalk. Jaehyun has no interest in this, instead he shifts his gaze to the watch on his wrist and sighs.

It's just past six in the morning, and Jaehyun is about to be late for his new job.

He crosses the street, looking slightly in both directions before he does. The air nips at his exposed skin and he pulls the collar of his coat closer to his neck and adjusts his bag as he walks. The townhouses and apartments he passes are just barely beginning to stir, a warm light on in the occasional window and tuffs of smoke billowing out of the chimneys. Despite the gentle warming of life amongst the city, Jaehyun can still hear his shoes against the pavement and echoing across the street as he moves. He cuts through an alley, smiling softly at the laundry strung above him between two fire escapes and the way the rain water collects by the storm drains. 

There’s something comforting about a city in the early morning hours, even on a hectic morning, that Jaehyun finds irresistible. It’s why he’s stayed in the city so long, completing his residency at New Seoul St. Mary’s in Yeongdeungpo-gu instead of traveling outside the city like most of his peers. It gives him the fast-paced energy of a city hospital that he craves, with international patients filtering in and out as an excuse to practice his English. Jaehyun knows fellow medical school graduates who feel overwhelmed at the prospect of working with English-based patients, and he can’t help but feel grateful for all the vaguely-religious undertones of his residency. 

He finally makes his way to a more main street and manages to flag down a cab, climbing inside and securing the door behind him. It isn’t until the smooth leather meets his back that he allows himself to relax, leaning back against the seat and staring out the window at the buildings passing by. His watch feels heavy on his wrist, and it takes him longer than he’d like to admit before he glances at its face once again.

6:15.

A mere fifteen minutes until he’s meant to be on the floor working with patients. He thinks about the person waiting for him, about the talent that he’s about to work alongside, and he feels a warmth settle just beneath his shirt collar.

》《

There was a term that Jaehyun remembered his friend from medical school would utter about what it was like working in emergency medicine. It was like a secret, shared only after a glance around the room to ensure that nobody would hear what was about to be spoken. Oftentime Johnny would lean in close and nudge Jaehyun with his elbow, referring to it as “ _hell on the first floor_ ”, urging the younger man to never pursue it unless absolutely necessary.

  
  
It was unfortunate that Jaehyun would disappoint Johnny, he thought with a bittersweet smile. Jaehyun thought about Johnny with his own private practice, of a life much less fast-paced but twice as secure in salary and he wondered if in a different life, he would be in the same position. He banished the thought from his mind as he slipped his shoulder bag into his locker, toeing out of his leather dress shoes and tugging the shirt off his shoulders. Jaehyun traded his out-of-budget dress shirt and slacks for dark navy scrubs, taking note to get accustomed to the feeling of starchy fabric against his skin. 

He takes a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for the first day on the job. Of course he would have some seniority being a doctor, but Jaehyun knows it’ll take time to get into the routine of working with the same nurses, doctors, and residents. The patients were the same anywhere; it was the people around them that Jaehyun was worried about. 

He thought of this as he heads to the floor of Horizon General Hospital, clocking in and checking with the nurse behind the counter. He looks up when Jaehyun clears his throat, cat-like eyes lighting up when they take him in.

  
  
“Oh! You must be the new doctor,” he says, looking around his desk for a moment and pushing aside a stack of papers to grab a pen. He reaches up to the wall next to his desk and grabs a clipboard hanging in the space and Jaehyun catches sight of his nametag. _Lee, RN._

  
  
“Lee,” Jaehyun says as the nurse presses the clipboard into his hand. The man gives him a coy smile and a wink, running his fingers through messy blonde bangs as Jaehyun scribbles on the dotted line.

  
  
“Minhyuk, please.” He gestures to a spot on the paperwork for Jaehyun to sign and he does. “Nobody calls me Lee here, we’re too friendly for that.”

  
  
Jaehyun smiles at this, feeling a little more at ease at the practitioner's attitude. “Minhyuk, then. Anything I should know for my first day?” Minhyuk takes the top sheet of paper from Jaehyun’s clipboard and files it away in a spot on his desk— Jaehyun wonders if it’ll get lost in the chaos.

  
  
“Let’s see…” Minhyuk starts, leaning back to glance at the schedule board on the far wall of the makeshift office space. His pretty lips turn to a scowl when he notices the name next to Jaehyun’s on the whiteboard. 

"Oh, you'll be working with Dr. Kim today," Minhyuk says, half to himself and half to Jaehyun. It makes Jaehyun arch a singular brow, and he catches the way Minhyuk's face turns to an artificial smile.

"Is there a problem?" Jaehyun asks, leaning forward across the counter in order to steal a glance at the whiteboard. Minhyuk meets him halfway, handing him an empty clipboard before he can see what's written on the far wall.

"Not at all!" Minhyuk chirps, his wide grin melting into something more subdued. "Good luck today." Jaehyun hums skeptically and takes the clipboard with a slight nod, tucking it under his arm and turning on his heels.

He doesn't miss the way Minhyuk's smile falters, just for a moment.

Emergency rooms are busy, as one would expect, but it's a different kind of hectic when he's on the other end of the spectrum. Jaehyun was so used to residency, of tailing some other doctor and taking furious notes and watching procedures until he was sure he could replicate them in his sleep. He knows he should hold his head up higher, but something about the change of scenery still hasn't made Jaehyun totally comfortable yet. He takes a breath and compartmentalizes, pushes the thought back and focuses on the task at hand.

He does his best to scan the room, to read the nametags pinned on the breast pocket of each person that walks by. It isn't easy, but eventually he spots a flash of plastic shining in the light. The man has turned before Jaehyun can read the name, but he can pick out the slender frame and dark hair in the sea of people. He weaves his way past a practitioner rolling a tray of supplies, his head low and muttering to himself. Jaehyun passes a young doctor, roughly his age, sharp jaw and gaze trained on a patient showing a laceration on her hand. Something about the sight makes his shoulders relax a little, knowing there's someone else his age in this part of the hospital.

The relief doesn't last long, however.

The doctor Jaehyun has his gaze trained on is talking to someone, a resident by the way their eyes widen when he speaks. The doctor's back is turned to Jaehyun but even he can sense the frustration radiating off of him, in the way that he points to a different part of the ER with the end of his pen in one swift movement. The resident swallows thickly and nods, scurrying off in the direction the doctor had pointed to. Jaehyun figures he’s simply a nervous new arrival, anxious to please the more senior members. He has no idea how wrong he is.

Seeing someone for the first time in years is an odd feeling, like word on the tip of your tongue you can’t quite remember. What’s even more odd is seeing someone you idolize, someone you shape your entire career path around, directly in front of you.

  
  
Jaehyun is suddenly transported to his medical school days, when he had too much caffeine in his system and a book bag full of anatomy textbooks. He remembers seeing him interact with other students, encouraging them to do their best. Reminding them in quiet moments that becoming a doctor was about helping others, about leaving the world a little bit better than it was before. Jaehyun kept this tucked away in the back of his mind, but it was the moments when he would speak to Jaehyun himself that truly resonated with him.

  
  
In the years they’ve been separated, Jaehyun doesn’t think Doyoung has changed much at all. At least, in appearance. But there is an energy around him now that Jaehyun can sense even from yards away.

Jaehyun pushes through the last throng of people and makes his way to Doyoung. He wonders the best way to gain his attention, as it seems Doyoung is turning his full concentration to the clipboard in his hands. He’s scribbling something on patient records, checking boxes every so often and mouthing words to himself. It’s almost hypnotizing, to see someone completely focused and dedicated to his work in such a chaotic place such as this. Jaehyun wants to say something, but the way Doyoung slides the records back into the holder at the end of a patient’s bed with such finality keeps the words locked up in his throat.

  
  
What’s worse is he looks right at Jaehyun. And then right through him.

  
  
"Welcome, new residents," Doyoung says dryly, turning on his heels and striding out of the main entrance. Jaehyun starts, but he glances behind him to see several other young people in pristine coats on his flank. Doyoung winds through the hallways, pushing past doctors in the middle of lifting patients into new beds and paramedics rushing in new cases. Jaehyun quickens his pace in order to keep up, practically chasing the doctor’s heels as he weaves through the chaos of the emergency room.

“Excuse me—” Jaehyun begins, but he’s cut off by the doctor stopping in place and turning quickly to face him.

“I won’t take backtalk, this is my ER,” he states firmly, looking at Jaehyun with a dark stare. It’s threatening even with his wide eyes and lips slightly parted, and Jaehyun has to swallow down his nerves before nodding slightly. 

》《

The days are long, the sense of fatigue gripping Jaehyun's heels and threatening to drag him down as he follows Doyoung's every order to a point. Something ugly snarls in his chest whenever a deadpan look is directed his way or a patients' records are pushed in his face and he's asked to describe them. It's Doyoung who does all the actual work of speaking to patients and checking their wounds, forcing Jaehyun to be his shadow in the corner of the exam area. He was able to keep a calm expression on his face around patients, but it would dip into a scowl when he had to follow Doyoung somewhere or fetch him gauze like some errand boy.

Jaehyun was a doctor, and he wanted to be treated as such.

Eventually he finds himself by the lockers after another difficult shift, sitting on the bench opposite of his designated locker and letting the tension slide off his muscles with a groan. He reaches up and grips his neck, rolling it from side to side and letting his eyes squeeze shut as he attempts to work out a particularly difficult knot. He hears shuffling a row over and his eyes slide open just as another person rounds the corner.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the man says, his deep voice not matching the round eyes he wears. His hands are up like he's talking to a very skittish animal and he walks slowly, eyeing Jaehyun carefully. "I didn't realize there was someone else here."

"It's fine," Jaehyun answers, letting his hands drop into his lap. "I don't think I've met you before."

The man sits on the bench, giving Jaehyun enough space to feel comfortable but still close enough to carry a conversation. "You're new, right? I'm Taeyong," he says, eyes shining in the low light of the locker room. He holds his hand out for a handshake, and Jaehyun is shocked at how such a gentle demeanor man has hands that overshadow even his own.

"I'm Jaehyun, I'm a trauma surgeon," he replies, taking Taeyong's hand and shaking it. It feels warm beneath his touch. "Are you a doctor, too?"

Taeyong smiles at this, laughing slightly. "Nurse Practitioner, all the work of a doctor but none of the glory."

Jaehyun furrows his brow at this, dropping Taeyong's hand. "A difficult field, for sure."

Taeyong sighs, dragging his foot for a moment against the ground. He's already changed out of his scrubs, wearing a dark pair of jeans and a button shirt. He looks much younger than most people would expect for a doctor, but Jaehyun concludes that's likely what people think when they see him working. Taeyong looks up at him suddenly, a knowing glint in his eye.

"You've been shadowing Doyoung," he says, tilting his head to the side and noticing the way that Jaehyun's mood seems to sour. Jaehyun look at him skeptically, brows knitted in annoyance.

"Is it that obvious?"

Taeyong laughs, lifting the back of his hand up to muffle the sound. "Just a bit." Jaehyun groans at this, rubbing his face with his hands and looking at the ground for a moment. He thinks at how bitter Doyoung always seems, how he treats Jaehyun like the dirt under his fingernails. He isn't sure if he feels he has the right to ask, but he does so anyway.

"Has he always been like this? I mean, since he started working here."

Taeyong thinks for a moment, a crease forming between his brows. "I think emergency medicine changes you, for better or for worse."

Jaehyun thinks of this for a moment, deciding he can't help but agree.

》《

“Jung, I have to insist that you walk faster if you intend to keep up with me.”

The words pierce Jaehyun’s mind like an arrow and he frowns at this, but picks up his pace as he trails behind Doyoung in the ER. He’s watching as he filters through the space, glancing at each patient as he walks by them. He makes his way over to several nurses clearing a space, and Jaehyun catches sight of Minhyuk and a female nurse preparing the area for a new patient.

“Looks like they’re here now,” the female nurse says, looking up and tucking a lock of dark hair behind her ear. Jaehyun turns at this just in time to see two paramedics wheeling in a patient, carefully maneuvering her onto the bed so Doyoung can examine her. They’re ones Jaehyun has seen before, and he wonders if they usually work the same shift together. Jaehyun glances at their badges, taking mental note of the names _Nakamoto_ and _Wong_ as they prepare the patient. 

“Lucas,” the shorter one speaks, causing the other one to look up in time to see the paramedic pointing. Lucas follows the direction of what seems to be the more senior member, working together mostly in silence to ensure she was stable enough for them to take their leave.

Doyoung looks at them working on the patient, tilting his head down slightly to look at her face before focusing his attention back on the younger paramedic. “Update?”

  
  
“She’s stable,” Lucas says, glancing down as he adjusts the tape around the IV in her hand. “Patient was found unresponsive in her home, found by her daughter about thirty minutes ago.”

The other paramedic chimes in, eyes fixated on one of the machines behind Lucas before landing on Doyoung. “BP read at 70/60 on scene, but she seems to be more stable once we got some fluids in her.”

“Thank you, Yuta,” Doyoung says, tone professional. “We should be able to handle it from here.” He nods curtly as Yuta and Lucas back off, packing their equipment and moving off to the side of the room. Jaehyun moves in to assist, but Doyoung raises a hand up to stop him.

  
  
“What’s the problem, Dr. Kim?” Jaehyun asks with a sigh. He moves his clipboard under his arm and tucks his pen in his coat pocket. Doyoung doesn’t even look at him as he speaks, his voice even and low.

“I can handle this myself, talk to Minhyuk and ask for information on the next patient and report back to me.”

Jaehyun grits his teeth, staring at Doyoung’s back as he works. “Fine,” he replies, turning on his heels. He sees Yuta and Lucas pack up the last of their equipment, Lucas gripping the bag with one hand and striding out of the ER. Before he leaves, Yuta pulls Jaehyun just out of earshot and leans in, patting his shoulder gently.

“Good luck,” he whispers, and Jaehyun knows he isn’t referencing the patient.

》《

There was a time, back when Jaehyun was still worried if he could even step foot in a hospital much less save lives, that Doyoung looked at him fondly.

It was the tender kind of expression, the kind that makes you wonder if you should look away and give the person privacy. It felt intimate, special in the way Jaehyun had never felt before. He wasn’t sure why he of all people was the object of Doyoung’s affection, but something about the way he approached him after a particularly long study session made Jaehyun feel something he hadn’t in a long time. It was comforting to see Doyoung look at him with those same wide eyes, to know that someone in this world believed in him.

“You’re working hard, right?” Doyoung had asked him that one night, and it glowed like soft embers in Jaehyun’s heart.

“I’m trying,” Jaehyun had said, tugging on the strap of his bag and bringing it closer to his body. Doyoung had smiled at him then, kindly and without abandon.

“I believe in you,” Doyoung says simply, and then he had to go and say something that stays with Jaehyun all these years, something that wrecks him entirely.

  
“All of this will be worth it someday.”

》《

If there was one thing Jaehyun took pride in, it was his ability to compartmentalize. It was needed to be a doctor, of course, you couldn’t rush into the ER or surgery with your emotions clouding your judgement and possibly putting the patient at risk. It seemed that Jaehyun was particularly gifted, however, the skill even stemming into his personal life and leading him to be a sort of mediator between his friend’s occasional tifts. 

This night was proving to be quite difficult, as much as Jaehyun would hate to admit it.

He tucked himself away from the crowded common room during his break, instead finding a small lounge that doctors would usually come to nap between extensive surgeries. He sinks down into the futon adjacent to the door, letting his eyes slide half-closed as he relaxes his muscles. Jaehyun can feel his feet ache in his shoes from shadowing Doyoung all day, his shoulders seizing up from strain. He thinks about how Doyoung is making him fetch supplies of all things now, often not even being in the same room as him and patients while he works.

It’s insulting, being around someone that knows your abilities but refuses to recognize them. 

Jaehyun is too exhausted to let the rage build inside of him so it sits like a slow burning flame in his chest until he hears the door to the lounge open. Minhyuk’s head pokes in the room, looking directly at Jaehyun with a sympathetic smile.

“Looks like you’ve had quite a shift,” Minhyuk says, closing the door behind him and sitting on the same couch as Jaehyun. It makes Jaehyun rub his face with his hand before looking over at Minhyuk and answering his question. 

“It’s a long day when you can’t seem to do anything right,” Jaehyun says, voice weary. He sees Minhyuk nod solemnly, shifting in his seat to lean in closer.

“You’re doing better than you think,” Minhyuk replies, voice soothing. “Doyoung isn’t an easy person to work with, most people who get paired up with him move departments.”

Jaehyun finds himself frowning at this, dropping his hands into his lap. “Really?” Minhyuk nods, shrugging his shoulders and brushing the hair out of his own eyes.

“You’re the only one I’ve seen last this long, but I think he likes you.”

  
  
Jaehyun laughs humorlessly, “I sincerely doubt that, he can’t stand me. I doubt he’d spend even a second he didn’t have to with me.”

  
  
Minhyuk seems to think this over, looking up at the ceiling of the lounge. His eyes seem to light up after a minute and he looks at Jaehyun again, resting a hand on his shoulder. “I think you’ll find he’s more caring than you think, just remember that okay?”

  
  
Jaehyun doesn’t get the chance to respond, because Minhyuk instantly slips away and out the door of the lounge, leaving Jaehyun alone with his thoughts. 

  


》《

The walk from the exit of the hospital to the parking lot feels like a long one, but perhaps it’s due to the implications. It’s leaving a space dedicated to saving lives, it’s leaving a place that Jaehyun feels more comfortable than anywhere else in the world. He looks back for a moment, seeing _Horizon General Hospital_ in red neon lights at the top of the building. It glows warm against the fading light of the sky, like a beacon of hope in a sea of uncertainty.

  
  
When Jaehyun looks up at it, he feels that hope, if only for a moment. 

In the time it takes for Jaehyun to let out a breath, the moment is gone. The hope slips away and he walks silently to his car. He puts the vehicle into drive, knowing he has only an empty apartment and too many thoughts waiting for him at the other end of the journey.

  


》《

There's a strange excitement following the concept of scrubbing into surgery, of pulling on gloves and masks and entering a space filled with beeping machines and people skilled enough to save a life with their own hands. It’s thrilling and sharpens your senses, and it was something Jaehyun always looked forward to.

It was unfortunate that he wouldn’t get that chance.

At least, not today. He’s succumb to scrubbing up and shadowing Doyoung, tucked away over his shoulder as Doyoung and another surgeon work on a victim of a car accident. Doyoung is tasked with removing shrapnel from the patient’s leg while the other surgeon, a lithe and quiet man by the name of Dr. Chae Hyungwon, is repairing a pneumothorax. He’s a middle-aged man, the extent of his injuries so great that he was rushed into surgery right away. Jaehyun barely had the time to even glance at him, but Doyoung was soon shoving him into the prep room claiming it was _“good experience for someone new.”_

  
  
Jaehyun wanted to scoff. He had seen countless patients after a car accident, this was nothing out of the books for him.

And yet he stood there, watching behind Doyoung’s right shoulder as he carefully removes pieces of metal from the man’s leg. Every so often Jaehyun’s attention shifts to Dr. Chae, his deft hands performing a thoracotomy like it was second nature to him.

“Wonder what kind of vehicle did all this,” a resident in the corner mutters, her eyes narrowing as she focuses on the two separate procedures in front of her. “Never seen a patient lose part of a lung before.”

“I’ll have to ask that residents remain silent during this portion of the procedure,” Doyoung says firmly, voice slightly muffled from his surgical mask. “Questions can be addressed at the end.” The resident straightens her posture and her eyes go wide at this, instantly silencing herself at Doyoung’s firm tone. Jaehyun doesn’t blame her, but the coldness of Doyoung’s words is only proving to build that imaginary wall between them. 

As the hours pass, Jaehyun sees the two surgeons at work. He’s able to put his own resentment aside in order to see the true skill both Doyoung and Dr. Chae possess. The tools in their hands seem to glide effortlessly, making surgery look almost like an art form rather than a science. Jaehyun supposes it is in its own way, especially with the way his eyes seem to be trained on Doyoung’s focused expression as he works. Even the anesthesiologist, a young doctor by the name of Qian Kun, glances over every so often and nods, impressed by the work. It’s so distracting to Jaehyun, he has to blink several times to understand what’s going on in front of him.

It’s as if he can’t see it, how a large metal piece is dangerously close to severing a major artery in his leg. Jaehyun feels as if he’s watching in slow motion, and the words come out slower than he’d like them to.

“Dr. Kim,” Jaehyun says, trying to use an authoritative tone. Doyoung ignores him, so he speaks more firmly this time. _“Dr. Kim, the patient—”_

“Not your place, Jung,” Doyoung speaks, eyes still trained on the task in front of him. The forcep in his hand is angled just so, and Jaehyun needs to speak now at what he feels is the greater good of the patient— 

“You’re placing great risk to your patient, Dr. Kim,” Jaehyun reprimands, and even he is shocked at how firm he sounds. “You’re about to sever a major artery if you remove that piece, and the patient will bleed out.”

  
  
The forcep freezes just before grasping the shrapnel in question, Doyoung pausing at the notion of his words. Dr. Chae has his work done, a nurse cleaning the fresh staples he has placed in the patient’s chest. He instantly moves towards Doyoung’s station.

“I’ll take it from here, and you,” Dr. Chae says, eyes shifting from Jaehyun to Doyoung in a sense of authority, “will take this conversation outside of this operating room.”

Doyoung has no choice but to hand the instruments over, the seniority of the room being the only thing shifting the tools out of his hands. He ensures Dr. Chae has the situation under control before stepping back, walking towards the exit and ripping off his mask as the doors swing open. Jaehyun curses under his breath and follows him, pushing the door open with his forearm and seeing Doyoung’s back facing him. He doesn’t turn around for a moment, taking a breath so deep his shoulders raise slightly. 

“What the fuck was that?” Doyoung asks, his voice dripping with anger. It makes Jaehyun’s heartbeat in his ears and he strides over to Doyoung, spinning him around with one hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t play fucking dumb with me, you know that would have killed him,” Jaehyun practically shouts, looking into Doyoung’s firey eyes. Doyoung jerks out of Jaehyun’s grip like his touch burns, but immediately he gets right in Jaehyun’s face. His hands are balled up into fists at his sides and his face is screwed up in anger, his words poison.

“You have _no right_ to tell me what to do, I am your superior,” Doyoung replies with venom, and the words make something inside Jaehyun snap. All the pent-up rage between them comes roaring to the forefront of his mind and as if on instinct, Jaehyun grabs the front of Doyoung’s scrubs and pushes him against the wall.

_“You are not my superior,”_ he sneers, his face inches from Doyoung’s. “You’re nothing.” 

The hallway feels icy cold at the words, and Doyoung’s expression looks as if the space was filled with a high pitched ringing, the kind that makes him want to cover his own ears and slink away. It’s as if time has stopped between them when someone rips them away, large hands on their shoulders forcing them apart.

“Are you kidding me?” Taeyong asks, eyes wide and angry. “You’re professionals, act like it.”

And just like that the trance is broken, the wall between them begins to crumble. 

》《

There is something strange about seeing someone that entices so much rage in you become vulnerable in front of your eyes.

Jaehyun, on the heels of not speaking to Doyoung for most of their shift the following day, drags himself to the lounge. He’s feet are aching and his head is pounding, and all he can think about is how badly he wants to sleep. It’s why his face falls in disappointment when he opens the door to the lounge and finds Doyoung already sitting there.

Something about this feels fragile.

Perhaps it’s the way Doyoung’s looking down at the ground, elbows on his knees and an emotion Jaehyun can’t quite place rolling off him in waves. He does know that his own anger seems to melt away, and he closes the door quietly behind him. When Doyoung doesn’t react, he crouches down in front of the doctor. Doyoung’s face is somber, his eyes dark steel, and the sight of it sits heavy on Jaehyun’s shoulders.

“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun asks quietly. Doyoung blinks in response, eyes still trained on the floor.

“The patient survived,” Doyoung replies without emotion in his tone. Jaehyun knows he’s speaking of the last surgery they were involved with together. “Dr. Chae used your method, and he survived.” The words seem to drain all the energy out of Doyoung and he shifts his shoulders down just a little bit more, hands clasped in front of him. Jaehyun looks up into Doyoung’s eyes, forcing his own nerves to stay in his chest. 

“You still did a good job,” Jaehyun says, and he’s surprised at how earnest it sounds. Doyoung takes a breath at this, licking his lips once and looking at Jaehyun’s hands.

“I almost killed someone that day,” Doyoung mutters, squeezing his hands together. Something about it is so raw that Jaehyun acts before he thinks, reaching up to cup Doyoung’s face. He’s surprised at his own actions, but even more surprised when Doyoung leans into his touch and looks directly into his eyes.

“But you didn’t,” Jaehyun reminds him, voice quiet. Something in Doyoung’s eyes softens, and his voice is delicate when he replies.

“You make me feel weak,” Doyoung whispers, not taking his eyes off Jaehyun. “Fragile.”

Doyoung _does_ feel fragile in Jaehyun’s hand, but that may be due to his own nerves. He feels so breakable, like this moment between them is balancing on a thin fragment of glass. It feels even more delicate when Jaehyun leans in for a kiss, connecting their lips and tasting the anguish that seems to leak out of Doyoung.

  
  
And it hurts Jaehyun’s heart when Doyoung pulls him closer by the front of his scrubs. Onto the couch and as close to his own body as he can, like he’s holding onto him like a lifeline. Jaehyun wonders if he is, if Doyoung is drowning in a storm that nobody else can see.

  
  
If that’s the case, Jaehyun has no problem being the one that keeps his head above water. 

Jaehyun grips Doyoung’s waist tightly, pulling him against his chest and wrapping an arm around him. He uses the other to thread through his hair, dark locks feeling like silk. It all feels too read, and Jaehyun knows this isn’t a dream. This is reality and he can’t help but let himself be influenced by it, to let their roles fall away and just be together like this, kissing as if they have all the time in the world together. 

And later on when they’re tugging their clothes back into place and smoothing down their hair, Jaehyun knows he’ll always have this memory— even if it’s bittersweet.

》《

Some things are not bittersweet, though, and this is one of them.

Jaehyun remembers how Doyoung’s shampoo smelled when he buried his nose in his hair, when he kissed the skin just below his ear before slipping out the door, letting Doyoung sleep on the couch in the corner of the room. It felt like an unspoken bond between them, a silent promise that perhaps things would be better between them now.

It’s why it hurts so bad when Jaehyun comes in for his next shift and finds that he’s been taken off the surgery schedule, that Doyoung’s name stares back at him from the white board with nobody beside it.

》《

“Jung,” A dry voice calls out, echoing off the rows of lockers in the dark room. Jaehyun sighs, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against the cool metal door. He doesn’t have the energy to feel anger when it comes to Doyoung, all he feels is wounded.

“Yes?” he replies, already regretting his response. The sound of calculated footsteps makes his way over to him, and Jaehyun hangs up his coat just as Doyoung turns the corner. He doesn’t even bother to square his shoulders, but he leans his head against the edge of the locker two down from Jaehyun’s. He looks tired, normally-pressed scrubs wrinkled and hanging off his frame and lids heavy with lack of sleep. It feels so different from the kind of doctor Jaehyun is used to seeing that it jarrs him a little, and he blinks several times as he looks at Doyoung.

“I’ve been told your attendance is requested for an event,” Doyoung says after a moment, using his thumb and index finger to push up his glasses and rub at the inner corners of his eyes. He drops his hand and looks at Jaehyun plainly, not giving any further detail.

“Sounds important,” Jaehyun notes, taking his stethoscope from around his neck and placing it on the top shelf before grabbing his clothes next to it. 

“Both parties have approached me this week about asking you to come,” Doyoung begins, looking bored as he relays the information. “Hyungwon and Minhyuk.”

Jaehyun grows, trying to pair the two names together and failing. “What's it about?”

“To celebrate their engagement.”

Jaehyun starts at this, slamming his locker unnecessarily hard as the words bounce around his head. He turns to Doyoung in surprise. “Dr. Chae and Nurse Lee, they became engaged last month. You’ve met them both, I presume.”

Jaehyun blinks for a moment, processing the words. “Of course, Minhyuk,” he says, feeling the weight of his clothing in his hands. “I’ll see if I can manage it.”

“No need,” Doyoung replies, adjusting his frames. It occurs to Jaehyun at this moment that he’s never seen Doyoung wear glasses, and he won’t admit to himself how good the silver frames look on him. “I’m driving you there, be ready next Saturday.”

Jaehyun frowns at this, dropping his clothes on the bench and tugging his scrub top off. “Why the hell would you drive me there?” Doyoung looks uncomfortable all of the sudden, looking slightly off to the left. It occurs to Jaehyun that it’s because he’s standing shirtless in front of him by the way Doyoung’s cheekbones tint.

“Minhyuk insisted, for reasons beyond me.”

Jaehyun thinks of this, sliding on his t-shirt and tugging it into place. “Fine,” he says, looking to his locker. He doesn’t want to see Doyoung’s expression when he asks his next question. “Why did you take me off the schedule?”

It’s quiet for a moment, neither of them saying anything. Jaehyun sighs and changes into his jeans, shoving his dirty scrubs into his bag. It isn’t until he tugs on his civilian shoes that Doyoung speaks again.

“We don’t need a repeat of last time,” Doyoung answers, but something about his voice is odd. It sounds like a lie, so Jaehyun looks up at him but Doyoung is already turned away, his broad shoulders stretching his scrub top when he reaches up to comb his fingers through his hair. Doyoung walks out of the room, but throws one more comment over his shoulder before he slides out the door.

“Next Saturday, seven-thirty. Be ready.”

“Fine,” Jaehyun calls out. The only response is the sound of the locker room door closing, leaving Jaehyun with its echo. 

》《

Several sights were things Jaehyun felt he could never get used to: a patient’s face after coming out of a successful surgery, the sunrise in the neighborhood he grew up in, the high marks of his first major exam in medical school. They all ignited something inside of him, made him feel like anything was possible and the promise of something better was to come.

And perhaps it was cliche, but none of those moments could have prepared him for the sight of Doyoung leaning against his steering wheel, waiting for Jaehyun with a cigarette hanging off his lips and a leather jacket stretched across his shoulders.

“You’re here early,” Jaehyun blinks, not able to properly process the sight in front of him. He’s standing on the driver’s side of the car and he watches at Doyoung takes a drag and taps the ash onto the sidewalk.

“I was curious about the neighborhood,” Doyoung replies, glancing up at Jaehyun after watching the embers fade against the concrete. His silver glasses shine under the streetlight and make Doyoung look particularly intimidating, so Jaehyun has to take a breath before responding. 

“Not too much different than yours, I’d guess,” Jaehyun says, shoving his hands into his pockets. Doyoung arches a brow at him lazily, making no effort to sit up straight or insist that Jaehyun climb into the passenger seat.

“Quite the contrary,” Doyoung replies, looking right at Jaehyun. “I find it fascinating.”

  
  
Jaehyun scoffs and walks to the other side of the car, pulling open the door when he hears the lock click open. He slides in just as Doyoung turns to look at him, body still angled over the steering wheel and eyeing him like a predator would its prey.

“Are you going to sit there all night or are we going to a party?” Jaehyun asks, hoping the car is dark enough to hide the pink he can only assume is tinting his cheeks. Doyoung smirks at this and sits of straight, running a rough hand through his hair and pushing it away from his face. It gives Jaehyun sight of his strong jaw and high cheekbones, and when Doyoung catches him staring a moment later his eyes drop down to his jacket.

“What is it?” Doyoung asks, turning the key in the ignition and starting the engine. It’s a near-silent purr, the radio glowing a cool blue shade and lighting up the cabin.

“I wasn’t aware this is how you dress outside of work,” Jaehyun says after a moment, and he silently curses himself for how awestruck he sounds. His next words are more teasing. “Turns out you have a personality that doesn’t resemble a stick up your ass all the time.”

Doyoung laughs at this, truly laughs with his head tilted back, and it throws Jaehyun for a loop. He puts the car in reverse, pulling out of the parking spot and onto the street. Something about the motion is relaxing, so Jaehyun lets his body rest against the passenger seat as they drive. It's strange, seeing Doyoung drive with one hand and looking so at ease. It's completely different than how he acts at work, snapping at Jaehyun and wearing a scowl.

“Tonight’s supposed to be relaxing,” Doyoung says after a moment. Jaehyun glances at him and tries not to focus on the fact that he’s driving with one hand. “Gives you a chance to get to know people outside of work.”

“Should be interesting,” Jaehyun replies, glancing out the window as they drive in efforts to not be overwhelmed by Doyoung’s appearance. They eventually drive into a nicer part of the city, where the buildings shine against the backdrop of an inky night. Doyoung climbs out of the car and Jaehyun follows suit, glancing over at the other man to see where he goes. He walks effortlessly through the front doors two buildings down, into a lobby with more white marble than Jaehyun has ever seen in his life. 

“Come on, we don’t want to be late,” Doyoung calls out to him, his clear voice echoing in the empty space. He turns a corner and Jaehyun finds himself rushing to keep up, and he finds Doyoung in front of an elevator that’s slowly opening.

“What floor?” Jaehyun asks, stepping inside after Doyoung and reaching his hand towards the button panel. Doyoung is checking his hair in the reflective gold surface of the closing elevator doors, and it takes him a minute to respond.

“Penthouse.”

  
  
Jaehyun has to quiet the storm in his mind, using a shaky hand to press the appropriate button. “Of course.” They glide silently up to the correct floor, and just before the doors open once again Doyoung looks over at him with a smirk. 

“You’ll be fine,” Doyoung says, and Jaehyun wonders how he seemed to know he was nervous. Perhaps it was obvious, or perhaps Doyoung knows him better than Jaehyun would like to admit. He mulls over this fact as he follows Doyoung into the Penthouse, and suddenly they’re surrounded by beautiful music and the chatter of a handful of conversations. A waiter is walking by with champagne flutes balanced on a tray, and Doyoung stops him to take two. He hands the second one to Jaehyun, their hands brushing at the action. Doyoung doesn’t seem to react, but Jaehyun can feel his skin warm under the collar of his blazer. 

“Ah, you made it,” a voice calls out, and Jaehyun tears his gaze away from Doyoung to see Kun approach them with a shorter man tucked into his side. “We were starting to wonder if you’d ever show up.”

  
  
Doyoung laughs at this, relaxing his shoulders. Jaehyun tries not to be bewildered by the sight. “Guess I took the long way here.” Kun laughs along with him, and the man next to him smiles politely and nudges Kun with his elbow. He glances down at this, the look in his eyes melting into something fond.

“Ah, Jaehyun hasn’t met you yet,” Kun says to the man before turning his attention to Jaehyun. “This is my husband, Dejun.” 

“Nice to meet you,” Dejun says, holding out a hand for Jaehyun to shake. He smiles at him before glancing between Jaehyun and Doyoung. “Are you Dr. Kim’s partner?”

  
  
Jaehyun almost shatters the champagne flute in his other hand, taking in a sharp breath. “God, no, I’m—”

  
  
“He’s a new doctor, he’s been working alongside me for about nine months now,” Doyoung answers calmly, giving Dejun a polite smile. Dejun’s eyes widen at this as he drops Jaehyun’s hand.

  
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply,” Dejun quickly corrects himself, before glancing over at Jaehyun. “It’s just nice to see a new face around here.”

  
  
“Do the doctors of Horizon often throw parties?” Jaehyun asks, brow arching. Doyoung takes a sip of his champagne before answering, the golden bubbles dancing around the glass as he tilts it back.

“Any excuse to celebrate will be taken, yes,” Doyoung replies, and Kun and Dejun nod in agreement at his words. “This is the third party in two months.”

  
  
“First one we’ve been to in ages,” Kun replies, taking a sip of his own drink. Dejun smiles next to him and they lock eyes. “Couldn’t get a babysitter for the last few.” Doyoung seems to smile fondly at this, and Jaehyun has to remind himself to get used to the sight. Something about the party is bringing a strange energy to Doyoung, but Jaehyun wonders if this is how he always acts outside of work.

“That’s right, how is your daughter?” Doyoung asks kindly, stepping closer and nodding as Kun and Dejun gush about their child. Jaehyun takes the opportunity to glance around the Penthouse, noticing familiar faces that normally roam the halls of Horizon, trading scrubs and long coats for dress shirts and dresses. 

Jaehyun can see Minhyuk and Hyungwon standing by the piano, looking at each other like they carry the stars in their eyes. Hyungwon’s arm is around Minhyuk’s waist, pulling him close and clinking their champagne flutes together. Despite being surrounded by a room full of people, they’re acting as if they’re the only two in the room. It makes his heart warm, but a small part of him feels a tug of melancholy. 

He isn’t sure why until he looks over at Doyoung again.

The feeling stays with Jaehyun for most of the evening, until Doyoung gestures for Jaehyun to follow him out onto the balcony. It stretches across the far wall of the Penthouse but the space is empty, and Doyoung rests his arms on the railing and pulls a crushed package of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket.

“How’s it going?” Doyoung asks, holding out the package for Jaehyun to take one. He does and places it between his lips, fishing out his lighter from his blazer pocket and lighting both his and Doyoung’s cigarette. He takes a drag before answering.

“Not terrible, I still feel like the new kid,” Jaehyun answers, and Doyoung nods as he looks out at the skyline. The buildings are shining around them, reflecting in Doyoung’s gaze. Jaehyun thinks for a moment that it looks like Doyoung has stars in his eyes. His thoughts are only increased when Doyoung looks over at him, smoke leaking out of his lips when he speaks.

“I’m proud of you,” Doyoung says, and it comes out as almost a whisper. Jaehyun has to lean in to hear this, to feel the tenderness radiating off of Doyoung as he looks at Jaehyun with nothing but fondness. 

All of this feels like something Jaehyun has experienced before, and Jaehyun wants nothing more than to reach out and touch Doyoung.

》《

The concrete feels cold beneath Jaehyun, a stark reminder of how miserable he feels. He sits on the balcony of the fourth floor, an inconspicuous space at the end of some mostly empty hallway. The stars shine against the dark night above him, but Jaehyun’s not looking at the stars. He’s looking at his scuffed shoes against the ground, of his hands rubbed raw from anxious picking of his skin. He’s six hours into studying for his KMLE, the exam that determines if all his years in school has been worth it. 

Jaehyun looks at his hands, feeling like the smallest speck of dust in the universe, when he hears a door quietly open.

“There you are,” Doyoung says kindly, looking down at Jaehyun as he closes the door behind him. He instantly sits next to Jaehyun, bumping their shoulders slightly as he does. He’s looking at Jaehyun unabashedly, and it makes him cover his face with his hands.

“Sorry I walked out on our study session,” Jaehyun mumbles into his own skin. Doyoung leans softly against Jaehyun’s shoulder at this, his dark hair tickling Jaehyun’s arm. He’s expecting Doyoung to voice his disappointment or frustration, to call Jaehyun childish for storming out during studying because a section was too difficult for him. It’s why his next words seem to coat the inside of his heart with honey, the sweetness seeping into his soul.

“I’m proud of you,” Doyoung says, and it comes out as almost a whisper. Jaehyun moves his hands from his face, looking into Doyoung’s wide eyes. There’s so much kindness in them they practically glow with the light of the stars above them. 

Doyoung shifts to dig something out of his back pocket, revealing a lighter and a mostly empty package of cigarettes save for two. He offers one to Jaehyun, who takes it with a silent thanks. Doyoung lights both of their cigarettes carefully, taking a drag and looking down at the ground. It prompts Jaehyun to speak, smoke leaking out of his lips when he does.

“I thought you liked to look at the stars when you come out here,” Jaehyun inquires, tilting his head slightly at the way Doyoung laughs. He takes another drag of his cigarette, letting his wide eyes flit shut for a moment as the tendrils of smoke reach up to the sky. He exhales after a moment before turning to Jaehyun.

“Now I like looking at you,” Doyoung replies simply, and _oh_ it hurts Jaehyun’s heart. Doyoung’s eyes are shining like stars and perhaps Jaehyun is feeling a sense of bravery when he looks back at him. 

In this moment, Jaehyun wants nothing more than to reach out and touch Doyoung.

》《

The car is silent between them for a moment, streetlight in front of Jaehyun’s apartment the only thing illuminating the sidewalk next to them. The warm glow combined with the electric blue of the radio of the car lights the angles Doyoung’s face, his features carved into something serious. Jaehyun finds his voice after a minute, but he almost doesn’t want to know the answer.

“Are you going to go home now?”

  
  
Doyoung smiles humorlessly at this, staring straight at the backlit radio. He tilts his head ever so slightly, the light reflecting off the frame of his glasses and glinting for a moment. “No,” he says softly, “I’m going back to Horizon.”

  
  
Jaehyun furrows his brow. “Why?”

  
  
“My place has a gas leak,” he replies slowly, flicking the air vent on the left side of the steering wheel and adjusting it to cool him down. “I’ve been sleeping in my car in the parking lot.”

  
  
Jaehyun considers this for a moment, letting the words sink in. He realizes how much it explains: the weary expressions, the earlier hours, even his lack of aggression. “You’ve been sleeping in the parking lot of Horizon.” It’s more of a statement, so Doyoung doesn’t reply until after he rubs his chin with the back of his wrist.

  
  
“Gets me in to see patients earlier, not such a bad thing,” he says. Jaehyun looks over at him, studying his features. Something about the look in his eyes makes Doyoung seem wise beyond his years. Jaehyun swallows thickly, letting out a shaky breath. He steels his nerves before responding.

“Come home with me.”

  
  
Doyoung angles a brow, wrist still to his chin but he glances over at Jaehyun for the first time since parking. “Hmm?”

Jaehyun clears his throat, sounding more firm this time. “Stay the night,” he says, before adding, “it’s not like you have anywhere else to go.”

Doyoung considers this, looking up at the apartment complex. It stands twenty floors high and looms over them like some grand beacon of hope. Jaehyun doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath until Doyoung silently turns the keys, shutting off the car and opening his door. He slips wordlessly onto the sidewalk, closing the door and waiting for Jaehyun to do the same. Jaehyun scrambles out of the car and shuts the door, and Doyoung presses the lock on his keys, looking right at Jaehyun before turning on his heels and walking towards the entrance.

Jaehyun walks after him, punching the code into the keypad and unlocking the lobby door. Doyoung opens the door, already halfway to the elevator by the time Jaehyun realizes just what’s about to happen and he follows him. He punches the elevator button and twists the cuffs of his jacket nervously, words tumbling out of him faster than he can control them.

“There’s a couch in my living room,” Jaehyun starts, already internally cringing at the obviousness of that statement. “I’ve got extra blankets and pillows— oh, you can take my bed, actually, it’s more comfortable. I get up pretty early to make coffee, I wouldn’t want to wake you.” Doyoung stares at him, listening to Jaehyun’s nervous ramble with an unreadable expression save for the slight parting of his lips. He waits for Jaehyun to trail off before responding.

“Okay,” he says simply, quietly. Jaehyun’s head spins.

  
  
“Okay,” he echoes meekly, grateful for the doors that slide open to reveal an empty elevator. They walk inside, Doyoung closest to the panel. He holds his hand out, hovering over the buttons. Jaehyun stares at Doyoung’s hand, and the silver ring that adorns his pointer finger.

“Floor?” Doyoung asks, and Jaehyun snaps his gaze up to look at Doyoung’s face, wide eyes questioning him.

“Ah, sixteenth,” he replies, and Doyoung presses the button delicately. The doors slide closed and the elevator starts its ascend. It’s a newer building, and Jaehyun is grateful it only takes a minute for them to arrive, the tension between them nearly suffocating. They arrive on the correct floor and Jaehyun walks into the hallway as soon as the doors open. He leads Doyoung to his front door, fumbling with the keys until finally unlocking the door with shaky hands.

  
  
His apartment is dark, curtains drawn, and Jaehyun walks inside and switches on the lamp in the living room. The room is instantly bathed in a warm glow, and he pushes the curtains open to the skyline below them. Doyoung strides in, walking slowly until he makes his way to the window before staring out it.

Jaehyun always felt like he had too nice and too much of a place for a single person. The building was new and modern, sleek design elements throughout the apartment. His kitchen was more marble and high-tech appliances than Jaehyun had normally been around, and his shower still intimidated him on most mornings when he was sleep disorientated. The window Doyoung was looking out was floor to ceiling, and Jaehyun couldn’t help but feel that he looked as if he belonged here.

  
  
A room full of things far too nice for Jaehyun to even touch.

Jaehyun doesn’t even notice that Doyoung has made his way over to the bar in the corner of the room until he’s lifting a bottle of scotch and looking at Jaehyun. “How about a drink?”

  
  
The nerves in Jaehyun’s stomach start to unravel at the thought. “That would be great.”

Doyoung pours them each two fingers of scotch, the amber liquid splashing against the glass and looking inviting. He hands one of them to Jaehyun, who immediately takes a sip. He sits on the couch, leaving space for Doyoung to take a spot next to him. He does, and their knees are practically brushed up against each other at the proximity. Jaehyun stares at the drink in his hand as he swirls it, the amber liquid turning in the glass and catching the low light of the room. 

“It’s nice to be able to be inside for once,” Doyoung says quietly, and Jaehyun looks up in time to see him swallow down a drink of his scotch. His Adam’s Apple bobs at the action, and Jaehyun can’t help but stare at it.

“Have you been sleeping in your car for long?” Jaehyun asks, unsure if he can read that boundary. It seems to break the tension between them because Doyoung smiles slightly.

“Only for a few days now.” He thinks for a moment, before adding “but I’m glad you let me stay.” And _oh_ , something clenches in Jaehyun’s chest and crawls into his heart. He sets down his glass with a shaky hand and clears his throat, sitting up straight.

“Let me show you to where you can sleep tonight.”

  
  
Doyoung nods, standing up when Jaehyun does but not letting go of his drink. Jaehyun leads him down the hall, pushing open his bedroom door and switching on the lamp in the corner. The room is flooded with warmth, shining against pristine white sheets. The room doesn’t feel lived-in, something about it feels cold and impersonal. Doyoung takes in the room, pacing the floor and glancing out the window to the skyline below. Jaehyun stands at the foot of the bed, watching Doyoung and wringing his hands.

  
  
“I can get you a blanket if you need, I know it gets cold sometimes…” he begins, but trails off when Doyoung eyes him sharply. He watches Doyoung swallow the rest of his scotch, placing the glass gingerly on the dresser adjacent from the bed. He walks towards Jaehyun like he’s prey, forcing Jaehyun to walk backwards until the back of his legs hit the bed. He falls back on it, bracing his weight against the heels of his hands as he looks up at the doctor in front of him. 

Doyoung closes the space, eyes dark and glinting as he kneels on the mattress between Jaehyun’s legs. He reaches up, fingers still cool with condensation as they brush Jaehyun’s cheek and grip his jaw. Doyoung brings his lips close, hovering a centimeter away from Jaehyun’s in a sort of silent question of permission. Jaehyun grips Doyoung’s waist at this and Doyoung closes the gap, kissing him like fire in his lungs. It’s painful and desperate with a tinge of sweetness from the liquor, and Jaehyun feels his head spin as their lips slot together. He pulls Doyoung as close as he dares, unsure if this is truly happening, letting their bodies fall back into the white sheets.

  
  
They part after another featherlight kiss to the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth, a gasp escaping his lips. Doyoung doesn’t smile, but he cradles the back of Jaehyun’s head tenderly and plays with the hair at the nape of his neck. 

“I’m not going to fuck you tonight,” Doyoung whispers, caressing Jaehyun’s skin and letting himself be pulled into an embrace. “But I will stay.”

  
  
  
  


The room filters golden with the coming sun, that much Jaehyun can tell through half-lidded eyes. It’s morning and he’s laying on his back, looking up at the pale gray ceiling hanging over his bed. His hand drags against the left side of the bed, feeling for a body he isn’t entirely sure is there. He thinks it’s a dream, that Doyoung really kissed him and stayed the night in the same bed, the fact that his hand brushes up against his shirt tells him that this is real.

  
  
Jaehyun opens his eyes fully, taking in the sight of Doyoung’s broad back as he sits facing away from him on the side of the bed. His dark shirt is stretched over his shoulders and Jaehyun is playing with the hem with idle fingers.

“Good morning,” Jaehyun speaks, voice scratchy and thick with sleep. He hears Doyoung chuckle slightly, and Jaehyun can make out the faint scent of cigarette smoke. Doyoung still doesn’t face him, instead bringing the cigarette to his lips and taking a drag. When he speaks, a tendril of smoke leaks into the room.

“Good morning.”

Jaehyun groans quietly as he shifts, turning on his side and facing Doyoung. His eyes trace the outline of his shoulder blades as he leans forward and taps ash into the ashtray on the side table. The room is quiet save for the occasional rumpling of sheets, of the quiet sound of a neighbor down the hall playing soft acoustic music over his speakers. It feels appropriate for this delicate morning, so Jaehyun lays there in silence until Doyoung finally speaks.

“I don’t hate you, Jaehyun,” he says quietly. “I hold you to a different standard. I know you can do well, I’ve seen it myself.”

  
  
And _oh_ , how that twists Jaehyun’s heart and steals the breath from his lungs. He freezes, his hands still resting on the hem of Doyoung’s shirt. He doesn’t turn around, and the moment feels suspended between them.

  
  
“Thank you,” Jaehyun replies, and it’s sincere. The music down the hall shifts to a piano piece, soft and melodic. Doyoung looks over his shoulder, but not at Jaehyun’s face.

“That patient died,” he continues, with a sense of mourning in his words. Jaehyun’s brow knits.

“What?”

  
  
Doyoung sighs, placing the cigarette between his lips and using his free hands to run them roughly through his dark hair. He trains his gaze on Jaehyun’s feet under the covers. When he grips the cigarette again, white smoke creeps out from between his lips. “That shift, where I took you off the schedule,” he says, voice uncertain and vulnerable. “That patient didn’t make it.”

  
  
Jaehyun feels a hole open in the center of his chest, and he sits up in bed. Around him, the sheets pool like water. “Oh.”

  
  
Doyoung’s voice is quiet when he speaks again. “I knew he wouldn’t.”

  
  
“You took me off… so I didn’t have to experience that,” Jaehyun says. It’s more a statement than anything, so Doyoung doesn’t feel the need to clarify. He takes one final drag of the cigarette before turning his gaze and crushing it against the crystal ashtray. He takes a breath, looking out the window. When he stands, he makes a careful point not to face Jaehyun.

  
  
“Shift starts at 8, don’t be late,” he says, and he disappears out of the bedroom like he was never there at all.

  
  
Jaehyun sits and processes the words, praying that the anchor around his neck and the knot in his throat don’t suffocate him before then. 

》《

There were an endless amount of thoughts that swirled through Jaehyun’s mind; situations that could unfold between him in Doyoung after that night. He expects everything and nothing at the same time, but he knows that their relationship is permanently altered after the engagement party, after the night spent sharing a bed and Jaehyun wondering if he was going to wake up with an expanse of empty sheets in the morning.

What Jaehyun doesn’t expect is to not find Doyoung at all.

He makes the necessary rounds, helping patients as he needs to and working with nurses on the floor of the emergency room. It’s especially busy during the holiday season, the promise of a new year bringing a plethora of injuries into the hospital. Jaehyun finally feels like the doctor he’s trained to be, not having to answer to anyone but himself and truly engaging with patients. He should be thrilled with the prospect, but there’s an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach at the fact that Doyoung’s name is written next to his on the schedule and yet he’s nowhere to be found.

Nobody seems to know where he is, Minhyuk only shrugs and Dr. Qian is too busy meeting with patients to answer his questions. Jaehyun spends most of the day in a confused haze until he spots Taeyong near the break room. His emotions must be written all over his face because Taeyong sighs instantly and glances around, making sure nobody is in earshot before gesturing towards Jaehyun to lean in. When he does, Taeyong’s lips quip into a sad smile.

“The sixth floor is pretty much totally unused,” Taeyong mutters to him, a lock of sandy hair falling in his eyes. He brushes it away before continuing. “If he’s trying to get away from anything, he’ll be there.”

  
  
Jaehyun frowns at this, his head swimming at the notion. “Dr. Kim would really miss a shift just to hide on an abandoned floor?” The look that Taeyong gives him is exasperated, and he laughs slightly.

“After all this time, you really think he’s as polished as the front he puts on?”

The words seep into Jaehyun’s brain and he takes a deep breath, analyzing the better part of a year he’s spent with Doyoung. In truth, his mental image of Doyoung is a mere fragment of the stuck-up doctor he presents in the ER of Horizon. There’s other pieces of him, like the man that smokes as much as Jaehyun does and drives with one hand. He’s someone that wears too much black but wears a smile outside of work that could illuminate an entire city block, that laughs wholeheartedly and talks in his sleep. They fit together like a mosaic and Jaehyun can’t believe he hasn’t seen it until now.

There is so much more to Doyoung than just his life in this hospital. An entire life encased in one singular man, so livid it could leak out of his ribs and dance across his skin. A life that Jaehyun has seen for himself.

Taeyong looks at Jaehyun as he ponders this, and his laughter brings Jaehyun out of his thoughts. He picks his words carefully, looking at him in earnest. “Jaehyun, don’t you realize you know him better than anyone else here? If anyone could get through to him, it’s you.”

And that’s just it, a fact so obvious it nearly knocks Jaehyun off his feet. He focuses on Taeyong only long enough to figure out what direction to head before he takes off, hitting the button of the elevator furiously and rocking on his heels as he waits for the doors to open. Even as he ascends to the right floor and Jaehyun can hear his own heartbeat in his ears, only a single thought rings out in his mind.

Doyoung is a mosaic, presented in a way that only Jaehyun can see the true beauty of.

The doors slide open with a quiet shift and Jaehyun is instantly in the hallway and looking for Doyoung. The beds are empty here and the front desk has nobody behind it, only the subtle hum of the overhead lights fill the space. Jaehyun feels like he can’t move fast enough, moving down each hall and looking for the same doctor that’s been a force in his life for far too long and not long enough. He feels breathless as he searches the floor, resulting to even ducking into darkened rooms in efforts to find Doyoung.

It feels unceremonious, the way that he finally does find him. Doyoung is slumped against the wall, sitting on the floor of am empty hallway. Above him is a window looking into an unused operating room, the lights inside of it long since shut off. He looks smaller here, like the surroundings are trying to swallow the man that normally stands with such great presence.

Jaehyun is breathless when he slides to the floor next to Doyoung, but neither of them speak for several minutes. The air feels heavy between them, like a silence that can’t be broken no matter how badly Jaehyun wants to ask him why he’s run off. A part of Jaehyun fears he knows the answer, so he shifts his body until his shoulder knocks against Doyoung’s, giving him the option to lean against Jaehyun if he needs it. Doyoung still sits on the floor, the cool linoleum tile reflecting the low light of the hallway back at them. 

“Why did you come up here,” Doyoung says, his voice sounding hoarse when he speaks. It doesn’t really sound like a question, more like a guarded statement made in effort to push Jaehyun away. It’s why Jaehyun looks at Doyoung plainly, no sense of fear in his words.

“Because I know you needed someone.”

  
  
Doyoung laughs humorlessly, staring right at the wall in front of him. “I don’t need anyone.” And then he looks at his hands, picking slightly at a hangnail. “I don’t deserve anyone.”

The words sit like fire against Jaehyun’s heart, but he swallows it down and looks at Doyoung’s profile. He takes in the sharp angle of his brow, his wide eyes shining in the overhead light, his lips turned down slightly in a frown. It hurts Jaehyun, to see someone so beautiful in such pain, so he reaches out carefully to push the hair out of Doyoung’s eyes.

“Nobody deserves to be alone,” Jaehyun replies, his voice low. “Especially not you.”

Doyoung doesn’t flinch away from Jaehyun’s touch, instead letting his eyes squeeze closed for a moment. When he opens them, they look even darker. “It’s part of the job,” he says sullenly. “So why does it hurt so badly?”

  
  
“It’s because you’ve been dealing with it alone for so long,” Jaehyun replies, sliding his hand down to cup Doyoung’s nack. He thumbs over his skin delicately, like Doyoung is made of glass. In this moment, Jaehyun feels like he is. 

“That patient,” Doyoung starts, taking a deep breath. “He wasn’t supposed to die.” Jaehyun sits up straighter at this taking in his words. It’s the thing Jaehyun had feared most, the case that was carving Doyoung’s heart from the inside out. He hopes if he can get the doctor to talk, it’s a burden he no longer has to carry alone.

“What happened?”

Doyoung looks down at his hands again, his palms facing up in his lap. His instruments, in the plainest sense of the word. All surgeons rely on their hands to help, to heal, but Doyoung’s looking at his hands like they’re nothing but weapons.

“He was a chronic case, he came in for the first time a month after I started working here. He was my first regular patient.” Doyoung flexes his fingers a bit, watching how the tendons move under his skin. “He was getting better for a while, we got his BP stable and he stopped having seizures. But then he just…” Doyoung trails off, taking a deep breath. Jaehyun brushes his thumb over Doyoung’s skin carefully.

“He stopped getting better.,” Jaehyun offers, and Doyoung nods.

“Seizures kept happening, we didn’t know why. There was a new medication I tried to get him on, I said the side effects would be minimal but it wasn’t enough.” Doyoung continues, his voice practically a whisper. “But he wanted them gone completely.”

  
  
Jaehyun takes a breath when he notices Doyoung pause again. “He elected to have surgery.” His heart aches when Doyoung nods again.

“I told him it was dangerous, that it was an almost certain death sentence, but he wanted to try.” And it hurts when Doyoung’s eyes start to shine with tears, and Jaehyun moves closer in efforts to comfort him. “He said he wanted it to be on his own terms, he wanted to make the decision to go under.”

“Oh, Doyoung,” Jaehyun says, forgoing the professional titles. There are some moments that are more personal.

“I worked with him for years,” Doyoung reveals, and the next words sound like all the breath has been knocked out of his lungs. “We had ...a relationship.”

  
  
“He was your friend,” Jaehyun says simply, and Doyoung looks right at the wall in front of him. Jaehyun doesn’t miss the tear that rolls down his cheek.

  
  
“He was my friend,” Doyoung echos. “And I let him die.”

  
  
It’s the most simple agony a doctor will experience, and it’s one that Jaehyun wishes he could take away from Doyoung. Someone so young should never experience such a loss, and all Jaehyun can think about is that he shouldn’t have to experience this alone. Doyoung is staring at the ground, eyes as dark as night and voice even as he speaks.

“And that’s just it,” Jaehyun says, looking right at the man next to him. He feels the urge to hold Doyoung but the moment feels too delicate. “You can do everything right, fight as hard as you can, and still lose.”

“I needed this win,” Doyoung whispers, tears freely rolling down his face at this point. “I needed to get this one right. He deserved that.”

Jaehyun reaches out, taking Doyoung’s hand and threading their fingers together. “He wouldn’t want you to suffer with this,” Jaehyun whispers. “I know you think you deserve it though.”

  
  
“I do,” Doyoung whispers, and Jaehyun can’t help but shake his head. Doyoung squeezes Jaehyun’s hand in response.

“You don’t, and I’ll spend as long as it takes to convince you of that,” Jaehyun says, bringing their connected hands to his lips and kissing the back of Doyoung’s hand. “You won’t be alone anymore.” 

In that moment, Jaehyun truly means what he says. That all this time has prepared him to be the carrying arms that bring Doyoung comfort. That strip away the front that’s been strong for too long and eventually bring him home. It feels like the space between them gets warmer when Doyoung smiles, truly smiles at Jaehyun’s words. He glances at Jaehyun before leaning his head against his shoulder, looking down at their connected hands. The tears on Doyoung’s face have mostly dried by now, and his voice is clearer once he speaks.

“You make me feel weak,” Doyoung says, and Jaehyun is transported to another conversation at another time. He’s ready to comfort Doyoung again but his voice stops him.

“Thank you for giving me that chance.”

  
》《

The sweltering heat of summer has come in full force, and there are too many bodies moving around the emergency room floor to be comfortable. Doctors are conversing with each other and nurses are pushing by with trays of instruments. The occasional group of paramedics bring in yet another new patient, making the floor all the more busy on this hot July afternoon. Jaehyun silently curses himself for not buying more breathable scrubs as he hurries across the floor to a far bed, a new patient already being brought in by Yuta and Lucas.

“Update?” Jaehyun asks, tucking his pen in the pocket of his scrubs as Lucas strings the IV bag into the correct spot. Yuta glances at the patient, a man in his thirties, and a look of doubt crosses his face.

“BP is fine, no outstanding injuries, we can’t figure out what’s wrong with him.” Yuta looks up, first to Jaehyun and then to someone on the other side of the bed. “Dr. Kim, what do we do next?”

  
  
The space is quiet after Yuta asks, with everyone turning to look at Doyoung. He’s standing there with a clipboard in his hands and a look of determination across his face. But Doyoung isn’t looking at Yuta, or at Lucas or the patient— he’s looking directly at Jaehyun as he speaks.

“Dr. Jung,” he says, clear as day. “Give me your theory.”

  
  
  
  


The walk from the exit of the hospital to the parking lot feels like a long one, but perhaps it’s due to the implications. It’s leaving a space dedicated to saving lives, it’s leaving a place that Jaehyun feels more comfortable than anywhere else in the world. He looks back for a moment, seeing _Horizon General Hospital_ in red neon lights at the top of the building. It glows warm against the fading light of the sky, like a beacon of hope in a sea of uncertainty.

  
  
When Jaehyun looks up at it, he feels that hope, if only for a moment. 

“About time you showed up.”

  
  
The voice is familiar and it makes Jaehyun laugh, turning towards the hospital in time to see a figure push off the wall and snub out a cigarette. Doyoung’s hair shifts slightly in the breeze and his leather jacket is draped over his shoulders like a cape. He looks striking in the fading summer light, and he walks up to Jaehyun and puts his arm around him.

“Can’t believe you’re wearing this thing in the heat,” Jaehyun replies, draping his arm across Doyoung’s shoulder and pulling him in. He presses a kiss to Doyoung’s temple, relishing in the laugh that escapes his lips.

“You know you like it,” Doyoung replies. He tightens his hold on Jaehyun’s waist as they walk through the parking lot to his car. “Your turn to make dinner?”

  
  
Jaehyun smiles, leaning his head against Doyoung’s. “Of course.”

That moment of hope Jaehyun felt looking up at Horizon slips away, instead replaced by the eagerness to return home after another long shift. As they slip into the car and Jaehyun puts the vehicle into drive, he knows he has their shared apartment and a night filled with Doyoung’s laughter at the end of the journey.

As the sun sets over Horizon, one thought rings out in his mind: Jaehyun will always be the carrying arms to bring Doyoung home.

**Author's Note:**

> Side note: for a time, this fic in my head was going to be called "Director" but it didn't seem right. Yes, that is also an Antlers song title, I am nothing if not predictable.
> 
> This fic was absolutely incredible to write, and I really hope you enjoyed reading. This is totally an au I'm going to explore more now that reveals are done, so please come say hi once if you like this verse! I'd love to talk your ear off about these doctors. Comments and kudos are appreciated 💞
> 
> Even angsty, fighting doctors get their happy ending sometimes 💞   
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>  [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/pinkwinwin)


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